


Against "Codependency"

by amonitrate



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Codependency, Codependent Winchesters (Supernatural), Gen, Meta, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 11:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14401089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amonitrate/pseuds/amonitrate
Summary: As I’ve gotten deeper into an understanding of trauma, abuse and abusive power structures, I’ve become increasingly dissatisfied with “codependency” especially as it’s popularly used and MOST ESPECIALLY as its discussed in fandom.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted to tumblr in 2014.

## against “codependency”

DISCLAIMER because it’s necessary in this fandom: in this post, I am NOT excusing, rationalizing, etc, any of Dean’s actions or choices in season 9! This is about how fandom discusses those actions and the way they’re widely understood as a result of “codependency” and some of the problems I am having with that as a framework.

I’ve written before about finding the word “codependency” to have lost all meaning in this fandom. It’s not just because I regularly see people seriously suggesting there can be “good codependency” (MOAR LOVE) and “bad codependency” without interrogating why they think those “positive” sides are positives and for whom. It’s not just because the word has become a shipwar football (IT HAS, JFC WINCESTERS AND DESTIELERS SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. BOTH OF YOU). This post is about why I think talking about Dean’s character, his choices and actions in s9 as “codependent” is at best deeply flawed, at worst erasing of what’s actually going on.

To start off: my growing discomfort with “codependency” in general is rooted in the fact that it’s a widely misunderstood/misused pop psychology term that even before it hit fandom and got massively warped out of recognition has some deep flaws. Its popular use tends to be framed as an inherent personality trait (the “codependent personality”) rather than a set of coping mechanisms formed in an abusive environment, and there are feminist critiques that would take another post to dig into but can be boiled down to despite the “co-” in “codependent” only one of the typical behavior patterns within the “codependent relationship” has widely been given a label, and this is the behavior pattern most often associated with women. In my experience, the origins of behavior labeled “codependent” in abuse are minimized and erased at best and immersed in subtle or overt victim-blaming at worst.

So these are my preliminary thoughts…

As I’ve gotten deeper into an understanding of trauma, abuse and abusive power structures, I’ve become increasingly dissatisfied with “codependency” especially as it’s popularly used and MOST ESPECIALLY as its discussed in fandom. It can at times be used in a victim blaming way that reinforces abusive power structures via erasure of abuse even while naming behaviors that do impact both the “codependent” and other people negatively. That’s the tricky part.

Things started to crystallize for me when I saw some discussions about “good victims” of trauma versus “bad victims” and began thinking about how it applies to SPN and fandom discussions. 

Dean’s choices and behavior patterns in s9 CANNOT fully be understood only by applying the label of “codependent” as fandom understands it. The typical “codependent” behavior discussed in self-help books/support groups DOES NOT allow for or encompass the level of trauma(s) Dean has experienced over his lifetime, and is meant to describe behaviors formed under less extreme circumstances. Calling what we’re seeing on the show “codependency” does NOT give the full picture and instead flattens and erases more than it reveals.

Since Dean was born he has experienced:

[note: *=events more typical in the profile of someone exhibiting traits of what’s popularly called “codependence”]

*–instability in his family of origin due to parental fighting and separation 

–witnessing the violent and supernatural murder of his mother at age 4 

–profound instability in his family of origin following that event

–homelessness

*–extensive parental neglect

*–extensive emotional abuse from his father including parentification/emotional incest

–[controversial subtext that may imply physical abuse from his father]

–coercion into lying to his sibling about the family situation for years

–witnessing his father killing humanoid beings as a child

–witnessing and being blamed by his father for a supernatural attack on his younger brother as a child when he’d been “left in charge.”

–profound educational instability

–coercion into lying about his lifestyle to everyone outside his family unit and trusted others

*–held to adult standards of behavior even as a child (outside of parentification)

–coerced into a situation framed as a war complete with active role in killing by age 16

–[subtext that heavily implies hunger or at the least unstable access to regular nutritious food]

*–triangulated by his father into the position of family peacekeeper

–coerced into committing fraud and crime as part of “family business”

–witness to countless violent deaths (not including those he’s killed)

–numerous near-fatal injuries

–believing he was going to die and then realizing he was alive directly due to the death of another person (twice! Faith and IMToD)

–violent assault by brother (ghost possession)

–tortured by his father (possessed by the demon who killed his mother)

–witness to the unexpected (supernatural) death of his father

–witness to the violent death of his brother (several times)

–violent assault by brother (possessed by Meg)

–violently killed by hellhounds

–tortured for what he experienced as decades in hell 

–[subtext that heavily implies sexual assault/rape as part of that torture]

–”broke” under torture and committed torture himself in hell in order to get decades of torture to stop

*–lied to extensively by addict brother over a year

–coerced into torturing the perpetrator of his torture/moral wound of torturing

–serious violent assault/attempted murder by that perpetrator that resulted in hospitalization

–strangled by his brother in the aftermath of a fistfight

–assaulted by father figure (possessed by demons)

–witness to serious paralyzing injury to father figure 

–not even sure how to categorize “the end” but surely it fits

–witness to violent death of two loved ones (Ellen and Jo) in combat

*–suicidal ideation

–violent assault by trusted friend while attempting to commit suicide

–witness to violent deaths of father figure and trusted friend (Swan Song)

–violent assault by brother (possessed by Lucifer)

–witness to brother voluntarily going to hell

–violent assault/hallucinations by djinn that replay core traumas (Exile on Main Street)

–violent assault with overtones of sexual assault/rape by vampire

–realization that brother intentionally did not intervene in that assault for reasons of strategy

–loss of loved ones (lisa, ben) and more stable environment 

–betrayal by grandfather 

*–extensive lying over a year by trusted friend

–used as a pawn in a war between violent powerful supernatural beings

*–role of caretaker for adult sibling (Sam’s wall)

–Let it Bleed (how to even break this down?!?)

–witnessed trusted friend seriously incapacitate brother as blackmail

–witnessed death of trusted friend

*–role of caretaker for adult sibling (Sam’s hallucinations)

–witnessed violent death of daughter, killed by brother

–nearly killed by hallucinating brother

–witnessed shooting of and later death of father figure

–a year of non stop combat in purgatory

*–role of caretaker for adult sibling (Sam’s trials)

–violently killed close friend (Benny) in order to save brother

–violent assault by trusted friend (controlled by Naomi)

I’m just going to give up here! I’m sure everyone would have a different opinion on what belongs on this list – I compiled it based on memory and how things would be experienced from Dean’s POV so I realize there are things I’ve left out and things people might dispute or even find wanky and yes of course you could write a similar list for Sam. 

BUT

My overall point is that only a fraction of these events are typical of the experiences of people usually labeled “codependent.” Some typically “codependent” people can have histories that include elements on this list that I didn’t star, such as a history of assault or homelessness etc. HOWEVER once you get to the sheer number/extent we’re dealing with here, we move beyond the regular case history of the “codependent personality.” This is NOT to minimize the experiences of those people, but what Dean’s experienced in his lifetime is more accurately labeled extreme trauma and abuse. 

This is why I’m not interested in talking about “codependence” anymore when it comes to SPN. Because you CAN’T separate out the extreme trauma Dean (in this post, but also Sam) has experienced from the more common abuse he’s experienced. His reactions to situations fandom has called “codependent” are always influenced/affected by BOTH his more common experiences of family dysfunction and emotional abuse AND his lifetime of extreme trauma. 

To me, calling what we see in SPN “codependence” is like looking at a mountain and calling it a pebble because rock is involved.

NONE of this means I am saying Dean’s choices can be excused or rationalized. Only that understanding them as “codependence” is to only look at the tip of the iceberg. It erases what he’s actually experienced. Unfortunately I don’t have a snappy one-word easy to grasp concept to replace “codependence” but I’m going to try to describe more what I see.

Key to me is the aspects of trauma that fandom has tended to be ignorant to, erase, or ignore. Fandom pays lip service to PTSD and there is plenty of fanfiction that explores a narrow subset of the effects of PTSD, but Dean’s experience is more accurately placed in the category of cPTSD, or complex PTSD. And many of his reactions and behaviors are much more accurately understood through that lens than one of either simple PTSD OR “codependency.”

EXTREME TRAUMA and child abuse are at the root of all the behaviors fandom labels as codependent in Dean, including everything we’ve seen in season 9. Repeatedly witnessing the violent deaths of everyone you care about (more than once for more than one loved one) has an impact on choices and behavior. Repeatedly being assaulted by people you care about, BOTH when they are under their own power and when possessed, has an impact on choices and behavior. Going through torture and torturing in hell has an impact on choices and behaviors. Experiencing extreme combat (purgatory) has an impact on choices and behaviors. Being put repeatedly into the position of caretaker for a sibling since childhood combined with extremes of neglect and emotional abuse AND all of the above has an impact on choices and behavior. ETC. 

Reducing all of this to “codependence” that Dean needs to “unlearn” is to simplify what’s going on to the point of meaninglessness, even before fandom gets its hands on the concept.

The behaviors Dean has that fandom labels “codependent” are better understood as reactions to abuse and trauma. Not all reactions to abuse and trauma are the kind fandom finds “sympathetic” – meaning the material for woobie fic (“good victim”). Alongside the flashbacks, traditional panic attacks, etc, we have “bad victim” results such as anger, lashing out, extreme guilt and fear of abandonment that leads to things actions like Dean took in 9.01, etc. 

Dean’s inability to deal with Sam’s death can be seen in this framework as a manifestation of the effects of repeatedly witnessing everyone he loves violently dying while he’s helpless to do anything about it, among other contexts including torture. Does this mean he was right to override Sam’s autonomy and deceive him into saying YES to an angel, etc? Of course not. But can we actually understand those actions as “codependence”?

I think that’s absurd, to be quite frank.

People do exist who have experienced extreme trauma and abuse, and many of their experiences fall into the categories that Dean’s do, if you remove the supernatural element. People experience torture. People experience parental abandonment, extremes of physical abuse, battery and assault and rape from family members. Reducing the wide variety of coping mechanisms, maladaptive reactions and even harmful behaviors of those people to “codependency” is ridiculous. Handing someone who has experienced those things a self-help book on breaking codependency (or even suggesting professional therapy for codependent behavior) is insulting. Their “codependence” isn’t actually the problem. The untreated trauma is. It’s like handing a band-aid to someone with a sucking chest wound.

I haven’t touched on everything that bothers me in this post – I haven’t gotten into why fandom typically only sees _Dean_ as “codependent” when John, Sam, and Cas have all exhibited what fandom calls “codependence” in their behaviors and choices as well as how they’ve harmed others, including Dean. Sam’s arc in s4 is rarely discussed as one of codependence. Few people have contextualized Sam’s relationship with Amelia, his dialog in the church in 8.23 or his reactions to Benny as deeply fucked up, damaging to others, and codependent. When you mention “codependence” and SPN, Dean is the one you picture. So Dean’s the one I talked about here.

Where am I going with this? I don’t know fully. I just needed to work out my increasing rejection of the term codependence in this fandom. I’m less and less interested in those discussions anymore, even if we removed the uses of the term to fuel petty versus wars and ship hate. Even if we remove the people who think codependency is a positive. I’m not even interested in good faith discussions of “codependency” any more, because I don’t think the behaviors called “codependent” can be separated artificially from the impact of massive, untreated trauma. 

Discussing how a lifetime of repeated trauma and abuse can impact the destructive and harmful choices of a person without excusing that behavior OR erasing the background is a fine line to walk. But despite there being some similarities and overlap with the concept, discussions of “codependency” in SPN just aren’t cutting it for me anymore.


	2. additional related posts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Additional thoughts following "against 'codependency'" originally posted to tumblr in 2014

##  more working things out

the basis of what I’m trying to break down here is that i feel like fandom took a useful but flawed concept like codependency and has used it to explain EVERYTHING EVER, especially (and often exclusively) when it comes to Dean’s behavior/choices, when other explanations fit better, even if they’re more complicated and require more than one word to really get at. 

what fandom calls codependency is one label you can give to  _ part _ of the result of the way John’s parentification and neglect shaped Sam and Dean’s relationship (NOTE:  _ not _ just Dean’s side of things, but the entire relationship, Sam’s side as well) since they were children. I’d rather call this “family dysfunction” (still not ideal but at least broader) but fandom only ever uses codependency, so I’m going to use that term since that’s what people are familiar with. I’m working on a larger critique of the term and what I feel it ignores/leaves out conceptually.

“codependent relationship” can be useful on a micro-level to talk about some kinds of relational interactions/behaviors between Sam and Dean:

It's  [ Dean’s family role as hero/caretaker ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Famonitrate.livejournal.com%2F492052.html&t=ZjZkYjBmMDQ2MTI2MjUwNjM0MTRiMTNmZjFkOWJlMGU1YjgxNjQ5ZCxWa1UwRU90ZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AjYFgja_o5_j4LSQgd5Jfjg&p=http%3A%2F%2Famonitrate.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F73868596510%2Fmore-working-things-out&m=1) and  [ Sam’s family role as scapegoat. ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Famonitrate.livejournal.com%2F521419.html&t=Y2FjMTVmZjg3MTgxNGRmYWRkMzRiNzYzN2I3MDQwYTM5ZWY3ZTk2NCxWa1UwRU90ZA%3D%3D&b=t%3AjYFgja_o5_j4LSQgd5Jfjg&p=http%3A%2F%2Famonitrate.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F73868596510%2Fmore-working-things-out&m=1) And how those roles interact.

The traditional understanding covers many of Dean’s caretaker tendencies towards Sam, including making decisions for them both and assuming the “in charge” mode. However, it’s also Sam either going along with this to the point of expecting it or rebelling against it and resenting it. Sam tends to vacillate between these two states. It’s Sam’s lines in Fallen Idol:  _ one of the reasons I went off with Ruby…was to get away from you _ . Sam’s side of things might be more accurately called “counterdependency” but this term is a) not well known at all as the counterpart to “codependency” and b) is not as well developed conceptually. So I’m sticking for now to calling this a “codependent relationship.”

The traditional aspects of codependency are  _ part _ of Dean’s feelings and behaviors when he prioritizes what he sees as his family’s needs over himself, of not seeing any selfhood outside of that role. Codependency can explain things like Dean’s complicated feelings of pride and resentment about Sam rebelling against John as a kid and leaving for Stanford.

But I feel what fandom calls codependency is also Sam’s resentment of Benny in s8. Codependency is Dean dismissing Sam’s relationship with Amelia as just a girl. Codependency is (in part)  _ both sides _ of the exchange in the church in 8.23.

There’s a ton more you can pick out in Sam and Dean’s relationship. I’d have to start from the beginning of the series and methodically go through episode to episode but that would be… a lot of work. Hopefully this brief random list is enough to give a general idea.

What codependency  **_fails_ ** to adequately explain is the larger more complex situations. Which is not to say that the background due to their upbringing, what we’re calling codependency, plays no role. Just that it isn’t enough.

For example, actions that heavily involve survivor’s guilt: you could include here things like Sam pursuing a faith healer without first investigating whether there might be a cost in Faith. John making a deal with YED for Dean’s life in IMToD.  Dean’s deal for Sam’s life at the end of s2. Sam’s Frankenstein plan to save Dean in s3. Mystery Spot Sam. Sam’s pursuing of revenge on Lilith at all costs despite Dean being resurrected and asking him not to in s4. Dean’s reasoning why he should say yes to Michael in 5.17-5.18. Dean’s choices in season 9.

John sold himself to hell for Dean. Sam tried to, and if the crossroads demon had wanted him, would have succeeded. But neither of these actions are “explained” in fandom by “codependency” the way Dean’s selling  _ himself _ to hell for Sam are.

But fandom continually reduces Dean’s deal to save Sam’s life in s2 and his actions in s9 as being about codependency. Yes, a lot of this is due to his monologue over Sam’s dead body in 2.22, and yes, there are good arguments as to why his sense of responsibility there can  _ partially _ be categorized as codependency, but one of the aspects (among many) that gets left out is that notion of survivor’s guilt and WHY Dean has it – namely, trauma. That monologue is riddled with survivor’s guilt, but it’s less explicitly spelled out, because  _ Dean doesn’t recognize it’s there. _ Dean only knows the sense of duty, so that’s what he talks about, and then that’s the only thing fandom latches onto, because fandom often takes Dean’s words/POV at face value without exploring what’s going on underneath, the stuff Dean’s not aware of. (that this is also true of the other characters should be noted but that would be a tangent)

Survivor’s guilt has some overlap with codependency as far as what it looks like. BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME. And despite paying lots of lip service to PTSD, a lot of behaviors and actions that can be better talked about in terms of trauma and survivor’s guilt are reduced to codependency in this fandom, especially when it comes to Dean.

When Dean talks about being the car that hit Lisa and Ben in s6, what does that sound more like? Survivor’s guilt or codependency?

This isn’t even getting into some other important aspects of what’s going on here. I think if you want to simplify Dean’s psyche when it comes to trauma you can split it into three categories:  **Survivor’s Guilt** due to all the murders/violent deaths he’s witnessed especially of loved ones that he was powerless to stop starting when he was four;  **Moral Wound** due to being raised as a hunter (‘daddy’s blunt little instrument’), which got compounded in hell when he tortured and in Purgatory;  **Loss of Agency/Autonomy** that has to do with things like the victimhood of having been tortured not only in hell but by his father’s body, being healed/brought back to life via the actions of others, being a pawn in angelic plans, etc.

You can make a similar breakdown of Sam’s psyche and why he feels impure. 

These rough categories I’m separating out are all complex and interact, and interact with the non-trauma-based aspects of Dean’s upbringing that are more accurate to what fandom calls codependency. What fandom does though is ONLY recognize the codependency aspect of any given major event. The rest gets left on the cutting room floor.

at the point where i can’t tell if i am incoherent! i think part of my problem is i vacillate between a) the desire to scrap the concept of “codependency” as it currently stands as too flawed to be useful and b) agreeing that the problem is that fandom misuses the term and doesn’t allow for the complexity of any given situation being a combination of codependency + other elements including PTSD.

anyway, this has been me thinking aloud on tumblr about this stuff and what i see, so it’s bound to be less than coherent.

ok put it this way: it’s pretty widely agreed upon that many of Dean’s actions in s6 when it comes to Lisa and Ben were negative, overriding their agency, and harmful. 

6.01: hiding from Lisa that he was worried about something supernatural, sending them off to Bobby’s without a whole lot of explanation, trying to break off the relationship due to feeling like he’d put them in danger

6.02: moving them TO ANOTHER STATE, trying to confine them to the house, yelling at Ben when Ben touched Dean’s weapons, realizing he was acting just like his father

6.05: not telling Lisa about being vamped, shoving Ben out of fear of eating him, never explaining any of this to them afterwards

6.06: everything he tells the goddess Veritas about himself and how that has formed his opinion of RoboSam. (I’m poison)

6.13: telling Ben he’s not someone they want at their table (I’m poison), his interactions with Lisa, finding out she’d tried to call him but he still hadn’t answered/explained about the vampire thing

6.21: the mind wipe – erasing himself from their minds literally because he’s the car that hit them (I’m poison)

(I’m sure I’m leaving things out here, this is just to get at an idea)

So I’ll ask: how is any of this about codependency?

Sure, you could probably argue a few of the communication issues are. You could try to argue that his protectiveness taken to extremes is a version of the caretaker/martyr mentality of codependence, etc… but I’m sorry, that would really be warping the idea of codependency far beyond its intention, because  [ _ the issue here is his reactions due to PTSD _ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Famonitrate.livejournal.com%2F571572.html&t=NmFiODcxMjA5N2QxMDk0MWNiNmRhZjVjYjhjYTU4ZWU1NDA0MTcyZCxzNE1SRUMzag%3D%3D&b=t%3AjYFgja_o5_j4LSQgd5Jfjg&p=http%3A%2F%2Famonitrate.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F73720045507%2Fok-put-it-this-way-its-pretty-widely-agreed-upon&m=1) _.  _

Most if not all of these examples are tied  _ directly _ to traumas we know about in canon. Whether that’s watching his mother die and the way YED destroyed his family (the djinn hallucinations 6.01 directly echo this, moving them to Michigan in 6.02, recognizing he’s reacting just like his father), or his own fears that he’s a monster seemingly proven out (6.05, what he says in 6.06 about himself, his speech to Ben in 6.13, his actions and what he says to Lisa in 6.21).

My argument is that what he’s doing with Sam in s9 is NOT much different from what he did with Lisa and Ben in season 6. And if you can’t use “codependence” to adequately talk about season 6 – and I strongly think this is true – I also believe you can’t use “codependence” to adequately talk about what’s happening this season. Any more than “codependence” is a legible explanation for Dean’s memory of how/why Cas was left behind in Purgatory being so repressed/warped in s8. 

My problem is that fandom has been trying to fit all of these events and actions and anything related into the box marked “codependence.” And I’m saying there’s a bigger, more encompassing box that can better contain everything here without chopping off a bunch of important stuff in order to force things into that smaller box.


End file.
